Tell me the SICKEST joke you know

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Jun 6, 2013
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Three football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk.
Out of respect and propriety, the Airdrie fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Motherwell fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the Rangers fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Motherwell cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Airdre cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Rangers cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Motherwell fan was becoming annoyed and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Rangers hat, I find an asshole!!.
 
Reactions: Trail and Nigelbro
Jun 6, 2013
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Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I believe it was Martin Luther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thank you miss I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
"Fucking Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"......
 
Reactions: Nigelbro
Jun 6, 2013
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My friend keeps telling me -


"Cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground full of water."


I know he means well...
 
Reactions: Nigelbro
Jun 6, 2013
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Mary and paddy are coming home from the pub
Mary said to paddy "I'm going into the bushes to have a wee"
Paddy feeling horny put his hand in the bushes
And felt a long thing between Marys legs
"Have you have a sex change Mary".
"No" she replied "I've changed my mind I'm having a shite"
 
Jun 6, 2013
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and
captured by an enemy Indian war
party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you
are the great Lone Ranger. In honour...
of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to
speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops
away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a
beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the
blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief
admits he's impressed. "You have very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill
you in two days. What is your second
request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to
his horse. Silver is brought to him, and
he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the
plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's
surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a brunette, even more attractive
than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed. "You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I still kill you
tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to
speak to my horse....ALONE. "
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and
Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's
tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for
the fuckin last time.......... . BRING
POSSE!!!!"
 
Reactions: Nigelbro
May 22, 2013
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Parts Unknown
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I believe it was Martin Luther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thank you miss I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
"Fucking Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"......
Chinese kid :lol:
 
Jun 6, 2013
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Paddy went for a job interview. The interviewer asked him, "what is your name?" "Paddy Fuckin Bastard Murphy" he replied. "Do you suffer from Tourettes Paddy" asked the interviewer. "No" he replied "but the priest at my Christening did"

My wife and l are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet store.......l've just taken the lead

.......................................................

Women can talk for 8 hours straight......but.......2 minutes into a blowjob their "jaws are aching"

.......................................................

l used to have a fear of walls........but l got over it
 
Jun 6, 2013
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Man lost in a hot air balloon in Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts, "where am l?" The farmer looks up and shouts back, "you cant kid me ya bastard, you're in that feckin basket"
 
Reactions: Trail
Jun 6, 2013
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A grocery store cashier is really busy. He notices a dog in the store and shoos him away.

Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The man takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 bananas, please."

The man looks again, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill.

So the cashier takes the money, puts the bananas in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

He is very impressed, and this goes on for several days - with the dog buying different items each time.

One day, the cashier decides to follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the man following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The cashier is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The cashier, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the cashier still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The cashier watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts shaking his head.

The cashier runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius!"

To which the guy responds, "genius, my arse! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 
Jun 6, 2013
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Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished it he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed, "Where's my ice cream cone?"

"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."

She was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!"
 
Jun 6, 2013
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An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20 feet behind her and asked, "Can you hear me sweetheart?"

No reply.

He moved to 10 feet and inquired again.

No reply.

5 feet and not a word.

A few inches behind her ear, he asked, "Can you hear me now honey?"

His wife said, "For the fourth time, yes."
 
Reactions: Ronsonfly
Jun 6, 2013
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My wife said she's leaving me, because I'm reckless and keep taking stupid risks.
I think that's what she said anyway...
...I was shaving my bollocks with a chainsaw at the time.
 
Jun 6, 2013
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A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man... sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.