Tell me the SICKEST joke you know

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Apr 7, 2014
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How can you pick the Polish girl at nude beach?
She's the one with the tampon string hanging out of her ass.

What's the difference between yogurt and semen?
Semen hits the back of a woman's throat much faster.
 
Jun 6, 2013
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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop.
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
 
Jun 6, 2013
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My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a clothes shop?" He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."





Paddy died and went to Hell, and when he got there the devil showed him three rooms and told him he had to pick one in which to spend the next 10 years.

The first room had a bunch of people constantly walking around on a floor of broken glass. The second room had a constant sound of nails-on-a-blackboard that was making everyone insane. The third room had a young attractive blonde sucking off this fat old black guy.

Paddy said instantly, "I'll take room #3, for sure."

The devil said to the blonde, "OK, get up love, it's Paddy's turn now.
 
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May 16, 2013
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11 year old girl goes up to teacher.

Girl: I think I love you sir
Teacher: I'm sorry, I do plan on getting married one day but I don't want a child
Girl: It's OK, we can use a condom
 
Jun 6, 2013
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There's a boy and his da' coming home in the car, and the police are behind them.

Dad "bastards!"
boy "what does that mean daddy?"
Dad "aww nothing son, just anoher word for the police.

They get home and when they get in the door, there's a bit of shit on the doormat

The dad says " Shite"
Wee boy " what does that mean daddy?"
Dad "don't worry son, it's just another word for the doormat"

The wee boy goes through to the kitchen, where his mum is plucking the chicken, she gets a prick, and says "fuck"

Wee boy: "what does that mean mummy?"
Mum :"Don't worry son, just another word for pluck"

wee boy goes upstairs and his dad is combing his hair, and get's a tug. and says "bollocks"

"what does that mean dad"
"dont worry son, just another word for combing your hair"

Then there's a knock at the door, the wee boy runs down to answer it, It's the police.

wee boy : "come in you bastards, wipe your feet on the shit, my mums in the kitchen fucking the chicken and my dads upstair combing his bollocks"
 
Reactions: junior-soprano
Jun 6, 2013
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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

“Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

“The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”
 

Johnstown

Dominant Poster
Jun 4, 2013
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I want this thread to be something posters instinctively know they shouldn't read, but do anyway out of curiosity, then end up vomiting or crying tears of grief to their therapist.

I'll kick things off.

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?
Maddie McCann's bike.

That was a bit funnier a week after she went missing, as opposed to about 10 years.

(The winner to be ascertained by the likes function)
Not a suprising thread from a guy who makes the kind of "promises" you make.
 
Jun 6, 2013
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Why haven't you done the dishes? Why haven't you hoovered up? Why haven't you cleaned the car? Go and empty the rubbish bins. Go clean the house! Why haven't you done the windows? Go and put the washing machine on. Go and dry the washing. Go and do the cooking. Why haven't you done the shopping?... Fuck sake, having Schizophrenia is like being fucking married.
 
Reactions: Trail and NSFW
Jun 6, 2013
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An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
 
Reactions: Trail and NSFW
Jun 6, 2013
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What do you call a Russian rapist?

Inoot Noffski

Call a 3 testicled russian? Whodyeknickabollockov.
 
Jun 6, 2013
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This is funny more a Scottish joke Billy is usually a Rangers supporter or an orangeman Celtic are the catholic team .

Billy McWilliamson dies and approaches st peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks him what he wants, he replies he wants into heaven.
St Peter tells him to wait while he checks his list.
St Peter returns and says sorry you are noton the list.
Billy asks why hes not on the list.
St Peter explains only people who have done some good during their earthly time are admitted to heaven.
Billy racks his brain and says i have done good i once gave £2 to the nuns collecting for the poor orphans.
St Peter is surpised at this revelation and says he will have to seek advice from a higher authority he disappears for ages and when he returns says to Billy yes I have found a record of this good deed.
Billy is delighted that his good work has been recognisedand says can i get in now.
St Peter reaches over to him and places 2 coins into his hand and says here is your £2 now fuck off ya orange bastard!
 
Reactions: Trail
Jun 6, 2013
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On the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".
 
Reactions: Okoye and Trail
Jun 6, 2013
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Premature ejaculator seeks blonde lady with big tits, shaved pussy and...................oh fuck it!!!!!!! it does'nt matter now!!!!!
 
Reactions: Okoye
Jun 6, 2013
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Donald Trump has told all weightlifters who cant get to the gym to inject themselves with Mr Muscle
 
Jun 6, 2013
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When I born, I Black,
When I grow up, I Black,
When I go in Sun, I Black,
When I scared, I Black,
When I sick, I Black,
And when I die, I still black,
And you White fella,
When you born, you Pink,
When you grow up, you White,
When you go in Sun, you Red,
When you cold, you Blue,
When you scared, you Yellow,
When you sick, you Green,
And when you die, you Gray,
And you calling me Colored ?